Gabe’s Top Stories of the Day
We had a good bit of stories and in case you missed them, here they are again
A Mormon journalist in Utah said new ads portraying Mormons as free-spirited and fun-loving are way off-base. Then he went home and made sweet love to his 15 wives.
The Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant has been upgraded to the same level as Chernobyl. Officials at the plant say they are going to keep one of their 3 eyes on the situation.
A man claims he got an STD from a mosquito. Meanwhile, scientists have traced the mosquito’s STD to the same source as all the world’s STDs: Kim Kardashian’s underwear drawer.
France has banned women from wearing Islamic face veils in public. Well, I’m sure Muslims will greet this news with their usual tranquility and calm restraint.
Costco is selling a million-dollar diamond ring. But unfortunately, you won’t be able to get nearly that much when you pawn it after your fiancée discovers you bought her engagement ring at Costco.
A woman died after getting butt enhancement surgery from an unlicensed doctor in the back of a tile shop. Which goes to show that you just never know when a good plan is going to go bad.
A blind British man broke the record for world’s longest blindfolded water ski trip. At least as far as he knows. No one had the heart to tell him he was floating in his bath tub.
A Colorado couple thought they won $4 million in the lottery only to find out the paper misprinted the numbers. It gets worse: they found out AFTER the husband said, “Take $2 million and get out of my life forever, whore.”
Today is the 268th anniversary of the birth of Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson celebrated in heaven with a vanilla birthday cake . . . but snuck some chocolate cake on the side.
A weight loss doctor in Pennsylvania was arrested after convincing women they could burn calories by having sex with him. He’s charged with one count of stealing my best pick-up line.
A Chicago school has banned pupils from bringing lunches from home.