Top Things You Didn’t Know About Sharks

With Shark Week under way on the Discovery Channel . . . let’s check out the Top Things You Didn’t Know About Sharks.

 

 

–They often mistake surfboards for seals. And surfers for gainfully-employed Americans.

 

 

–Great white sharks have actually killed less people than Great White bands.

 

 

–They have fewer teeth than Julia Roberts.

 

 

–Wearing their teeth around your neck is a good way to let others know you sell marijuana.

 

 

–The “tiger” shark got its name from preying on slutty waitresses behind its wife’s back.

 

 

(CAREFUL)–They eat almost as much tuna as Lindsay Lohan.

 

 

–Thousands are killed every year to make boots for Billy Bob Thornton.

 

 

–They’re more fun to have sex with than dolphins. Or so I’ve heard.

 

 

–They hate how that “Jaws” theme makes it impossible for them to sneak up on people.

 

 

–They can tear a man to shreds in seconds. Unless that man is Alec Baldwin. Then it needs several hours.

 

 

–They sometimes attack surfers because they look like seals. And also because they can’t stand d-bags who call each other “brah.”

 

 

–After a few too many drinks, they’re not above going home with a whale.

 

 

(CAREFUL)–They are completely without bones. Except when Scarlett Johansson happens to swim by.

 

 

–Blacktip reef sharks prefer to be called “African-American-tip reef sharks.”

 

 

(CAREFUL)–Their favorite golfer used to be Greg “The Shark” Norman. Until they heard Fuzzy Zoeller’s hilarious “fried chicken and collard greens” joke about Tiger Woods.

 

 

(CAREFUL)–They’re terrified of dolphins. Dolphins and Jews.

 

 

–They think Shark Week paints them in an unnecessarily negative light. But after seeing “Jersey Shore”, they can all agree that at least they’re not Italian.

 

 

(CAREFUL)–The leading cause of death for sharks? Oral sex.

 

 

–They have rows and rows of razor sharp teeth . . . but a terrible dental plan.

 

 

–They especially enjoyed eating and pooping Osama bin Laden.

 

 

–Like Jessica Simpson on land, sharks are at the top of the food chain in the underwater jungle.

 

 

–Their favorite programming on the Discovery Channel is People Week.

 

 

–Sharks off the coast of Mexico swim with their T-shirts on.

 

 

–They consider themselves misunderstood. And that’s why they’re all into Emo music.

 

 

–Given 20 minutes, even THEY can come up with a debt solution.

 

 

–Despite what you’ve heard, they’re all terrible at pool. And cards.

 

 

–For them, EVERY week is Shark Week.