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Reasons Why Growing Old Sucks The Big One

Gran Torino/Village Roadshow

Next Friday is my birthday. A major milestone in my life. And you know, I should be super excited. I’ve made it through my youth pretty successfully. I haven’t had any real bad run-ins with the cops, I have a pretty damn good job, a great woman that loves me…Life is great. But, on the other hand, there are things that suck balls about getting older.

For starters, the older I get the harder it is for me to party. And that, my friends, is a major blow to my psyche. A few years back when I was working nights, I’d get out of here around midnight, go downtown and drink and hang out till 6 am-ish, then go home and sleep and be fine. Now, if I have more than a handful of beers or stay up past 2, I feel like I got ran over by Khloe Kardashian. It’s terrible! Why does a night of drinking require the recovery time of minor surgery now?

Another thing that really bums me it out is gray hair. I’ve ALWAYS had dark, black hair. The other morning I get up to get ready for work, and I noticed I have TONS of grays coming in. And that’s not even the worst part! Aside from the grays on my head, I have grays in my pubes! I didn’t know that was possible. You have no idea how disheartening it is to look down and find that your genitals look like Captain Ahab! It’s crazy. Although, I guess there is a silver lining….no matter how big of a dick I’m being, my balls will forever be a distinguished gentleman.

And trust me on this, sex will never be the same either. Don’t get me wrong, sex is still great, but when I was younger, I’d bang all night. For hours on end, I was up to being a sexual disappointment. But now, I don’t want to have sex all night. I don’t have it in me. Just the thought of it makes me miserable. Hell, not too long ago, a girl tried to use freaky, all night sex as a pick up line at a bar. I gratefully declined. I have a great, loving woman at home that I adore and would never cheat on. But if this chick REALLY wanted to tempt the bounds of my relationship, she took the wrong approach. She would have been better served offering me sex once, all night cuddles, and a low sodium breakfast in the morning.

Those are just a few reasons why getting older sucks. The list goes on and on. I hate to sound like an old curmudgeon, but I’m sure you young whipper snappers are thinking that none of this stuff will ever happen to you. But sadly they will. Eventually and without warning, you will hit the wall.

As you age, somethings get harder and others stay soft. Somethings get bigger, others are falling off. It’s a sad reality, but as you get older you learn to deal and adapt….it just the realization that things will never be as good as it was yesterday sucks for a few days….or a few weeks….or a few years….or whatever.

Life, however, is far from being over with. We still have plenty to look forward to. If we can survive to 70, you can really have a blast screwing with people by faking senility. Now, get off my lawn!

 

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