How To Win A Drinking Contest — Last Man Standing
Last Man Standing are articles intended to help the average guy prepare for some of life’s oddest events. It’s just advice. It’s better than being clueless.
While extreme drinking can actually kill you, sometimes you’ve just got to cut loose and prove to the guys, and the gals, that you can hold your booze better than anyone else in the bar. It’s a macho thing. And what better way to show off your impressive skills than by drinking the next guy under the table?
Here are a few tips to keep you out of the hospital, if you choose to challenge someone to a drinking contest. No one likes to hear the phrase, “Oh, yeah, he’s getting his stomach pumped right now.”
Know Your Basic Biology
You might already have a leg up on the competition, and not even know it. Some people have a genetic predisposition toward alcohol, which allows them to drink more than average. Their natural tolerance is just higher, even without excessive training. Know what camp you fall into, so you can be better prepared for a serious night of drinking.
Eat Before, During and After the Drinking Contest
Eat real food before you drink. Carbs and fat are great at slowing down your body’s alcohol absorption rate. Greasy food can also insulate your stomach lining and other parts of your body against alcohol absorption (a fact most winos already know). The worst thing you can do is go on a bender with an empty stomach. If you can eat a little bit while you’re drinking, even better.
As a general rule, the more you weigh, the longer it will take for the alcohol to affect you. Your blood alcohol level is a combination of the amount of booze in your system, divided by the amount of water that makes up, well… you (we’re just big sacks of mostly water). Fatter people have more water than thinner people, obviously, because they have more overall mass. If you’re really serious about binge drinking, build up your muscles too. Muscles contain more water than fatty tissue.
Alcohol dehydrates you, and it dehydrates you quickly. If the rules of the drinking game you’ve entered allow for a few sips of water now and then, do so. If you’re only allowed alcohol during the heat of the battle, make sure you fill your stomach with plenty of water before the competition starts. Your bladder might not thank you at the time, but the rest of your body will be grateful for reducing the overall damage to your system.
Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom and drink water from the faucet during the contest, and eat a few of the chocolate muffins you stashed away in your pockets. When you return to the table, you’ll be ready for the next round of drinking.
In the near future, you’ll probably be able to buy the drug dihydromyricetin (DHM), which will let you drink as much as possible, without getting drunk at all. Sadly, for all you booze-guzzlers out there now, the drug has not been cleared for human consumption yet. But once (and if) it becomes available, there will be no end to the drinking prowess you can proudly display. Of course, every other Einstein on the planet will be able to buy the same drug, and do exactly the same thing.