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Gabe’s Rejected Hallmark Cards

Photo by Chris Hondros/Getty Images

I always wanted

To have someone to hold,

Someone to love.

(inside card)

After meeting you …

I changed my mind.

I must admit,

You brought religion into my life …

(inside card)

I never believed in Hell

Until I met you.

As the days go by,

I think how lucky I am …

(inside card)

That you’re not here

To ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go …

(inside card)

Will you take the knife from my back?

You’ll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry …

(inside card)

Someone other than you.

Happy Birthday!

You look great for your age …

(inside card)

Almost life-like!

When we were together,

You said you’d die for me …

(inside card)

Now that we’ve broken up,

I think it’s time

To keep your promise.

We’ve been friends for a very long time …

(inside card)

What do you say we stop?

I’m so miserable without you …

(inside card)

It’s almost like you’re still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy …

(inside card)

Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend!

If we were on a sinking ship

And there was only one life jacket …

(inside card)

I’d miss you terribly

And think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted

to do something really special

for your birthday …

(inside card)

So we’re having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and West Virginia)

Looking back o’er the years

We’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder …

(inside card)

What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!

(inside card)

Guess you didn’t tell this one that you have genital herpes.

How could two people as beautiful as you …

(inside card)

Have such an ugly baby?

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