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15 Crazy Things You Probably Don’t Know About Vaginas

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We men have heard it all of our lives. From TV, from magazines, from movies, from books, FROM WOMEN. We don't understand our female counterparts. We don't understand how they think. We don't understand how they feel. And God knows, we know damn near nothing about the female fun stuff. But the last one, thankfully, has been solved by one Lissa Rankin, a doctor who happens to write for Psychology Today. In her column 'Owning Pink', she gives us the low down on what a woman has down low. For your enlightenment, I give you 15 Crazy Things About Vaginas.


15

 
 

Pubic hair is not just a biological accident that forces women to the waxing salon. It serves three critical functions. First, it protects the delicate vagina. Second, it serves as a reproductive billboard to alert potential mates that you are biologically (if not emotionally) prepared to procreate. And last, it's a pheromone carpet and traps the scents that lead potential mates to the promised land. So you might think twice before you shave it all off. It's there for a reason. Embrace it. Then shave it off. Because I don't like it loofahing the skin off of my face.

 
14

 
 

There are 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris, dedicated exclusively to female pleasure. The penis only has 4000. Who says God isn't a woman?

 
13

 
 

The average vagina is 3-4 inches long, but ladies, fear not if your guy is hung like a horse. The vagina can expand by 200% when sexually aroused, kind of like a balloon. Remember, the vagina was made to birth babies, so it's exceedingly elastic. If you have pain when getting it on with someone large, you can use dilators to help stretch the vagina so you can accommodate the whole package.Or your local fire department probably has a 'Jaws of Life' laying around somewhere. Your call.

 
12

 
 

The vagina doesn't connect to the lung. While the vagina can expand, it's not an open conduit to the abdominal cavity. While microscopic sperm can swim through a tiny hole in the cervix, a tampon simply won't fit. So if you lose something in there, don't worry. Reach in all the way and pull it out. Do not -- I repeat, do not -- go hunting for whatever you've lost with a pair of pliers. Think of your vagina as being like a sock. If you lose a banana in a sock...it stays in the sock.

 
11

 
 

Yes, it's true -- your vagina can fall out. Not to belabor the sock metaphor, but it can turn inside out just like a worn out sweat sock and hang between your legs as you get older. But don't fret; this condition -- called pelvic prolapse -- can be fixed. And please...get it fixed. Now.

 
10

 
 

Vaginas have something in common with sharks. Both contain squalene, a substance that exists in both shark livers and natural vaginal lubricant. (Cue music: "She's a maneater...")

 
9

 
 

You can catch sexually transmitted diseases even if you use a condom. Sorry to break it to you, but the skin of the vulva can still touch infectious skin of the scrotum -- and BAM! Warts. Herpes. Molluscum contagiosum. Pubic lice. So pick your partners carefully. Or pick the crabs and lice later.

 
8

 
 

The average length of the labia minora is less than ¾ inch long (yes, someone got out a ruler and measured 2981 women). Only 1.8% of women have labia longer than 1 ½ inches. But remember, every vulva is different and special. Some lips hang down. Some are tucked up neatly inside. Some are long. Some are short. Some are even. Some aren't. All are beautiful. You're perfect just the way you are. Except for that one girl. She knows who she is. What a damn mess. Think month old deli roast beef. What????

 
7

 
 

While hair on your head can live up to seven years, pubic hair has a life expectancy of about three weeks, which is why it only grows so long. So don't worry if you opt not to groom your pubes -- you won't need to braid them any time soon. BUT THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS TO EVERY RULE. Again, you know who you are. Let me introduce two words to your vocabulary: Hedge Clippers.

 
6

 
 

The word "vagina" comes from the Latin root meaning "sheath for a sword," which may explain why some women simply hate the word. So, listen...if you don't like the word "vagina," pick your own name for your girly parts. Just not something like "(insert another guy's name here) snatty". That's just rude.

 
5

 
 

Only about 30% of women have orgasms from intercourse alone. The clitoris is where the action is. Most women who do orgasm during sex have figured out how to hit their sweet spot, either from positioning or from direct stimulation of the clitoris with fingers. Or that 12 volt, 10 speed, vibrating plastic thing the size of Arnold Schwartzenager's forearm that you keep in your nightstand.

 
4

 
 

Increasing evidence suggests that the G spot feels good because it lies right over a deep part of the clitoris. Although experts describe the G spot as being inside the vagina on the anterior wall, just under the urethra, the crura of the clitoris actually runs right there. And a recent study demonstrated that vaginal orgasms may actually be deep clitoral orgasms. But who cares? An orgasm is an orgasm. Appreciate it, regardless of where it comes from. I hear you can order them online now. The internet is an amazing thing!

 
3

 
 

Vaginal farts (some call them "queefs" or "varts") happen to almost all women at one time or another, especially during sex or other forms of exercise. So ladies, don't be embarrassed if your hooha lets out a toot. You're perfectly normal. (Do you think they're buying that? Heh. Queefs are funnier than lighting farts. And that's comedy gold!)

 
2

 
 

Some women do ejaculate during orgasm, but you're normal if you don't. The controversial "female ejaculation" most likely represents two different phenomena. If it's a small amount of milky fluid, it likely comes from the paraurethral glands inside the urethra. If it's a cup, it's probably pee. Many times, it may be a little bit of both. But don't stress out about peeing on yourself. Put a towel under you and surrender to the experience. But don't get that crap on me. I'll throw up. Seriously.

 
1

 
 

Safe sex (or even just orgasm alone) is good for you. Benefits include lowering your risk of heart disease and stroke, reducing your risk of breast cancer, bolstering your immune system, helping you sleep, making you appear more youthful, improving your fitness, regulating menstrual cycles, relieving menstrual cramps, helping with chronic pain, reducing the risk of depression, lowering stress levels, and improving self esteem. As your attorney, I suggest you have sex often. It's for your own good.

 

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